Zoe’s Blog

Zoe's blog

You hang up the phone and you lay your head down on your purring cat’s back and start sobbing . Yet another person has failed you. Why does no one understand ? Why can no one communicate with you ? Why can’t you communicate with anyone ?  Why are you such a failure  ? It’s not that hard just to help yourself….

All of these thoughts are spinning around your head and tears are trickling down your cheeks making your cat a bit wet, making him cranky at you for crying on him 

Even he doesn’t love you….

You get up and walk towards the living room making only about 5 steps before you plonk yourself down onto the floor and burst into tears .

You’re alone and no one seems to understand. 

For me, this a somewhat common occurrence in my life because I am a minority, diagnosed with autism as a girl, having OCD and anxiety. Those first two diagnoses are highly stigmatized and misunderstood in the world, both between everyday people and professionals and that’s hard because you feel like no one understands, no one sees the world in the way that I do and that I am alone. 

 I guess the truth is everyone is alone in some way because everyone, neurodiverse or neurotypical, is different from everyone else and that is okay and that is beautiful and as teachers in primary school always told us the world would be boring if everyone was the same and that is true, almost everything that makes me me is attributed to my autism and it makes me a better person and that’s great but there’s such a negative connotation in this world which makes being different a bad thing and I truly don’t believe that this is the case. 

I spent my whole childhood trying to be like everyone else and fit in but I couldn’t and I will never be able to and I couldn’t understand why at least until I was diagnosed with autism at 16. People say that labels are bad because they think that being different is bad, but I don’t agree because a diagnosis gives you the opportunity to understand yourself and be more forgiving of yourself and allow a little bit more of yourself to show. I think it’s a lonelier place to be trying so hard to fit in and failing compared to trying to be yourself and people not understanding you because at least you don’t feel like an imposter and like you don’t belong at all.

Things like this are easy enough to say but so incredibly hard to believe when you are in the depths of loneliness or a spiralling thought cycle or having your 5th panic attack of the hour and I understand that but just know that while you may not believe it or you may not feel like it you are not alone in the loneliest times.  You are not alone in feeling misunderstood or feeling plain invisible because I’m sure that everyone in their life time will feel that way at least once and maybe no one will ever experience the world quite like I do or you do but for me I am becoming more okay with that and it’s not easy to feel so different from everyone around you but the fact that everyone in the world is different makes everyone in the world the same. 

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